Do You Have Anxious Attachment?

“Do you still like me?” Maybe you ask your S.O. for the hundredth time, even if they JUST reassured you.

Or, you replay that conversation you had last night with them again for the thoudsandth time. What did I do this time? Why are they acting cold again?

They head out to an event, and you check your phone consistently. What if they meet someone hotter, cooler, smarter, and they decide to leave me?

‍

Here’s how anxious attachment might show up in your life:

Friendships:

• You worry your friends secretly don’t like you.
• You feel hurt if they don’t invite you to every event.

Romantic Relationships:

• You feel panic when your partner pulls away, even for a little.
• You need constant reassurance that they love you.

Work:

• You fear disappointing your boss.
• You take feedback personally and overthink mistakes.

‍

Common Signs of Anxious Attachment

• You get jealous easily.
• You feel insecure, even when things are fine.
• You avoid conflict, even when you’re upset.
• You worry you’ll never be enough for others.

‍

Maybe you’re exhausted by these thoughts. It’s like you’re trapped in a mental prison. These thoughts replay in your head over, and over, and over again.

Worst, maybe you’ve lost people because of these thoughts. But, you just can’t seem to control them.

‍

What Is Anxious Attachment?

How the brain works 101

Your brain takes in millions of bits of information every second.

Early experiences create a map of the world to tell your brain what to think.

Your early experiences are the foundation of the house you build in adult life.

As a child, if your caregivers correctly responded to your needs, you likely feel safe in relationships.

This means: you trust others, feel loved, find it easy to be honest and open.

If your caregivers didn’t meet your needs, you may feel unsafe now as an adult.

You see the world through a lens of shame or fear.

Relationships feel hard and stressful - you have an insecure attachment.

All without us realizing that we had been wearing a pair of rose-tinted distorted glasses.

Do your relationships feel emotionally intense? Like a battle field?

That’s because insecure attachment can trigger strong emotional reactions.

It’s why you had such emotional roller-coasters with that person who always put up a wall. It’s because you trigger each other.

‍

Why It Matters

Attachment shapes the way you think, feel, and connect.

Every thought you have about your worth and relationships can be traced back to these early patterns.

Unfortunately, our stress, anxiety and low self-esteem is linked to our attachment too.

Maybe you feel you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of making mistakes.

‍

Our attachment style might’ve also caused us misunderstandings and conflict. Maybe you were just trying to get closer to them, but you come across as too clingy or demanding… when all you want is to feel safe.

Our patterns in relationships don’t just disappear as we grow older — they follow us until we consciously work on them.

Your attachment style is not your fault, and it can be changed.

We all have the power to build stronger, healthier connections, and feel more at peace.

‍

How to heal anxious attachment

Step 1: Practice Self-Soothing

Learn to calm yourself when emotions feel overwhelming. Try deep breathing, meditation, or a quiet walk. Journaling can also help you sort through your thoughts. The goal is to feel okay even when things seem uncertain.

‍

Step 2: Build Better Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on trust and communication. Start by setting clear boundaries. Let people know what you need without fear. Choose friends and partners who respect you and make you feel secure.

‍

Step 3: Identify Triggers and Patterns

Pay attention to what sets off your anxiety. Is it when someone doesn’t text back? When plans change? Once you know your triggers, you can work on responding in healthier ways. Over time, you’ll start creating new patterns that feel less stressful and more secure.

‍

How do you distinguish anxious attachment from love? Try this quiz: